the happy cactus

Throughout my life, there have been numerous occasions that have left me with a sense of frustration, annoyance and guilt. I know for me it is deeply rooted in lack; it is the feeling of not quite being enough, doing enough, helping out enough, saying enough. We paint a mental picture of what we should be, where we should be and how to maintain this unreachable and unachievable fairy tale facade. For so long I would beat myself up for not being able to stretch out quite far enough to reach it. I vividly remember this emerging around the tender age of fourteen.

Being raised in a strict Christian household and attending a church that permeated strong fumes of cult-like fragrances; where the rules and regulations were consistently hammered home, I internally struggled to verbalise what this lack was. I knew I felt uneven – not unhinged – just a sense of knowing something was not quite right. Not measuring up to how others perceived me. I could see it in my friends faces, the young adult women and the mature women. It was not overtly obvious but subtle undertones quietly undulating beneath social gatherings and church meetings and definitely part of the culture. In hindsight, I was definitely not the only one however I felt isolated and alone with my brain telling me that ‘it’s obviously just you and your defected thoughts’ because heaven forbid we admit any type of struggle because struggling was seen as weak and unholy. We then learned to bury our feelings deep, deep, way deep down in the depths of our soul and never ever let them out. For if we do, it would lead to sin and sin leads to being cut-off from the church and cast into the far reaches of the earth alone, shamed and not to be contacted until you did your allocated time as penance. Cut-off from everyone we knew and connected with. Wow… writing this drives home just how screwed up this thinking was. Yes it did seem normal at the time but hey, you cannot see the whole forest when you are in the middle of one. Fear based religion or relationships cemented in fear make you act irrationally and partake in things silently, even when your inner voice shrieks ‘run away’ and you know it is wrong but you are too scared to question it because you trust the leadership and your parents. The fear of being ostracised overrode any thoughts of sharing anything out loud. For those lucky humans who have not ever been under a fear based regime/relationship will find it difficult to understand and simply do not get it. They can sympathise, but not empathise. For those who have/are walking this path; I see you. I hear you. I get you.

My sense of lack has diminished greatly over the years however it has not fully been eradicated. The further I venture down this river of life, I have changed more and more and have come to realise that I won’t ever lose this lack feeling. Perhaps it is normal. Perhaps it is not. Behaviours that were deeply ingrained in me throughout my adolescence have been extremely difficult to extinguish and/or alter. It is hard. Bloody hard. It takes loads of effort, compassion and understanding. Grace for myself and grace toward those who thought they were doing the right thing by implementing such nonsense. Understanding that it is normal to feel a sense of lack and that it is part of our human nature has been a long journey. By surrounding oneself with people who experience the same emotion has been such a blessing. When I do feel (often) this lack resting on my shoulders like an uncomfortable uncle hug, rather than becoming frustrated and annoyed, I take three to four deep belly breaths, relax my shoulders and recognise the emotion, give it space, then release it. I am not lack, it is just passing through.

I know I stand alongside a multitude of others who feel this way. Falling short is normal. Falling short is nothing to be embarrassed about. Falling short is something we as humans do well. Remembering that we are infinitely flawed, that is ok. Each time I experience (regularly) not being good enough I consciously think I am not the only one.

I am honoured and encouraged to stand among my imperfectly perfect humans. Let us continue to surround each other with love, grace and support.