the happy cactus

My earliest memories encompasses water. Whether it is a pool, beach, lake or running stream. Most of my childhood was spent at the beach swimming, making sandcastles, fishing, and before it became illegal, sitting atop my dad’s land-cruiser with our legs securely wedged under the roof racks as dad drove in and out of the water. This moment in particular was pure ecstasy and exhilaration. Even to this day, when I see a land-cruiser I am transported back in time to that exact moment and I get a hard dopamine hit and can’t help but smile.

Water has been a crucial aspect of my life. Like many people, it has a calming effect on me and somehow tethers me to the present whilst entwining my past. The stillness of the sound while underwater anchors my soul. I remember the bottom of the pool was my safe haven, especially after losing my mum. I would inhale a deep breath and dive down towards the bottom while slowly releasing my oxygen into a million tiny bubbles that simultaneously gathered together to outrace each other to the surface.

It was a beautiful vision to watch the raft of bubbles pushing and shoving their way forward taking my breath with them. The way the sunlight would kiss the pool and refract the colours of each bubble brought a symphony of happiness to me. I liked to think that with each breath I was releasing my sadness, worries, negativity, grief in those moments on the bottom of the pool. Sitting until my lungs burned and being forced to the surface was how I liked to process the chaos around me. Each time I resurfaced, I would breathe deeply and slow my heartrate down and repeat this over and over again. The deafening silence spoke volumes to me and comforted my broken heart. I felt I had more clarity when I would sink to the bottom and just sit there. My thoughts were not as heavy, not as overwhelming. Somehow the absence of sound of still water is reassuring and the weight of the water was comforting, like a firm hug. You realise how small you really are.

As I have grown, I am not as big a fan sitting on the bottom of a pool. This is largely due to the fact that we do not own a pool and I would rather lick a cat’s bum than put my head underwater in a public pool.

I have been able to gain a similar sound by listening to ‘brown noise’ and this way I can keep my hair did!!