the happy cactus

What is it that makes us stick to one career? Why has society invented such ideals and expectations on what people do? Pick a career by age 18-19, then you do said career throughout your prime years, retire after slugging it out at the one job and receive some menial accolades that are as meaningful and deep as a piece of paper. I know I have had these same ritualistic viewpoints on maintaining the same job and hopefully able to retire without having to move from job to job. People who move from job to job are seen as disjointed, unsure of who they are, what they want and in some cases pure lazy and lacking resilience. Stability is what keeps me in the same position, not saying it is a bad thing, rather it is a key driver to having a steady income stream.

I am grateful for the career choices I made and I am also very thankful that I have grown personally and professionally in my line of work. I worked extremely hard to achieve my education and I was only able to accomplish this through the support system I had with my husband. I was married young, had my babies by the time I was 25 and then decided at 26 what I wanted to do. See, back in 1988 I left school in Year 10 to get a job because I was not cut out for academics; most creative people aren’t (my own opinion). So at the ripe old age of 27, I began the long, arduous journey to obtaining my secondary education whilst raising my two babies and being a home day-care mum. Looking back, I felt it was an impossible goal to reach.

I enrolled in an external learning provider and began my Certificate IV with one subject as all children in my care were under four years old, and man, that was hard. Rewiring my dormant academic mummy brain was more than challenging and my internal roadblocks were constantly screaming ‘you will never be able to do this’. Once again, my supportive husband was my biggest cheerleader (it helps that he is wired with more determination than anyone I know) and this is what pushed me when I was teetering on the edge of throwing in the towel and self-implosion. It didn’t help that the first subject I enrolled in was Mathematics. Me and Maths have a long history of not getting on and I found myself more often than not asking for my intellectual friend to explain things to me in Layman’s terms. She had the patience of a saint and the voice of an angel.

I was suffocating by thoughts and feelings of insecurity and inadequacy which resulted in daily meltdowns (internally) and a flow of steady tears. Who knew you could have that much liquid come out your eyes and not shrivel up from dehydration? In retrovision, high school had ruined me with the unbending boundaries and placing everyone into the same neat box. If you didn’t fit neatly into said box, you were considered dumb, had learning difficulties, or just lazy. I held myself in the knowledge that I must be dumb because Maths was a foreign entity to me; not the basic stuff. Funnily enough, I understood Algebra because it had letters in it and I was wired for language/literacy/creativity. I left high school disheartened and a heavy bag full of low self-esteem and shattered.

My parents strongly encouraged me to dropout and get a job because I was not ‘smart’. I never dreamed of being an educator or anything else that required further education. If my parents didn’t believe in me then I must be cut from the dumb material. That’s just how it was back in the ole days. Not blaming my rents, just stating that was the mentality of the church we attended and the societal standards of the 80’s.

I did not really have any aspirations or dreams to become anything but a stay at home mum, because my fondest memories of my mum (pre-death) was comfort, contentment and fun. I just wanted to get married and have kids and be a mum. Raising children is a hard but highly rewarding job, well for me it was/is.

My journey took six long years of sacrifice, not just for me but for my family. My Bachelor of Education degree is not just mine, although my name is on the certificate, it was a team effort. When I look back at what moments I missed out on, what holidays I spent studying, what events I withdrew from, it was worth it. I did go on to study another degree and a Masters. Who’s dumb now??

However, the older I get, the more the internal questions seem to bubble and boil their way to the surface, all volleying for their inquiries to be answered. I have loved shaping, supporting, educating and caring for the future leaders of the world.

But. There is always a but. In this case a HUGE but.

After being in the education system for 16 years, I am exhausted mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The educational landscape has shifted so vastly and dramatically from where I first started that I am wrestling with a plethora of problems. The system has failed to support and protect the educator. And this has led me to be in a constant internal battle of my own philosophies and values. I’ve been hardwired with a viewpoint of having one career in which I envisioned staying in until my working life phased into the retirement phase. My entire stable life has been catapulted into utter and complete chaos. Struggling with thoughts of reshaping who I am and my identity as an educator has been nauseating to say the least.

I am extremely blessed to be surrounded by dear teaching friends who have suggested stepping back for a term and reevaluating where I am both mentally and emotionally. Such advice is resonating within my soul. Taking time for me is like learning Math all over again – a foreign concept. An almost selfish concept. It goes against everything I am which has turned me upside down inside out. Rest is needed. Re-evaluation is required. Compassion is key. So rather than making any impulsive, rash decisions (ADHD traits), I am taking a sabbatical from a system that has let me down and left me disillusioned, disappointed and derailed.

Why do I need to stay in the one place, career wise? This hopefully will be answered during my rest and recovery phase.