the happy cactus

Throughout my 49 years, juggling life has presented some challenges and stresses however I usually don’t feel too overwhelmed. I feel the general emotions that one would naturally experience when pressed for time, frustration of forgotten items on the way to a practice, preparing meals, and the battle of homework to name a few. Add in the little extra stresses of teaching life such as lesson planning, paperwork, report carding writing and marking, I felt I was functioning well. Now my children have suddenly morphed into adults which has resulted in loads more down time. I am realising that I have more mental space for my relationship, for me, and the questions I have begun to ask myself is ‘what do I want and what do I like’. All these questions have been circling my brain like a flock of starved vultures. To answer them has been more challenging and difficult than juggling my family’s timetable whilst working and running a household.

What it is in particular that creates these weird emotions that spark the deep questions that arise, I do not know. It is not something that has just appeared overnight but something that was woken on a molecular level the moment my youngest finished university. Empty Nest syndrome is a very real state of being, especially for mothers as we tend to be the nurtures (my own experience). A deep sense of loss or grief can ensue and I sympathise with my fellow parents who are walking this lonely and isolating road. As my son still lives with us as he is saving for a house, I actually felt the empty nest emotions when my oldest moved up the coast and was married. That left me reeling and grieving my loss of motherhood, which is silly because we speak every day and she is only a couple of hours away. I guess this is where a small flock of vultures began to appear, albeit slowly but surely emerging over the horizon. Grief for not being needed anymore, not being in close proximity, and not being able to see her every day. Not saying I don’t love my son as much as my daughter, but I love them differently, not less, just differently; and equally as deep and wide. Most functional parents will understand what I mean when I say that. Children always say their parents have a favourite child. Same amount of love poured into two very different cups of the same size.

The busyness of life creates a vortex between birthing our babies until they are enrolled into the educational system. Upon the beginning of school, the time flies like a F111 at breakneck speed, hurtling birthday after birthday in quick succession, pounding parents with moments that seem to blur into each other. And before you know it, your beautiful babies are thrown into adulthood and making their own decisions. I remember my dad holding my daughter just an hour after she emerged earthside and he said ‘take in each moment because they grow up so fast’. In my naivety and mushy mum brain, I couldn’t grasp what he meant. With each challenging moment, I was looking forward to the next which is what we do when we are under stress trying to rock our teething baby to sleep during witching hour. That seems like a couple of weeks ago but in reality it was a lifetime ago. Motherhood in general is a blur of exhaustion coupled with fatigue and being touched out.

The flock of vultures has now increased in size and have presented more and more unanswered questions swirling and twirling inside my big ole brain. As a mum, you are so used to sacrificing your time, your patience, and your entire self. Putting the needs of your children above your own needs, putting the needs of your partner above your own needs is self-sacrifice that no-one has asked you to do but one that you just do; like breathing. It becomes autonomous. After years of conditioning, you find it difficult to know who you are as a person and what you want, not just somebody’s mum or somebody’s wife. Sometimes asking for what you want is extremely overwhelming and you feel deep shame for thinking that you are deserving of asking/receiving what you want. I have struggled with asking for what I want, not because I am in a controlling relationship; on the contrary! I am in one of the most loving partnerships and we adore each other. Due to several factors such as childhood trauma, being raised in a blended family and a very strict church, asking for what I want was not something I EVER did. I learned to just serve and put my own needs, wants, desires to the back and I guess this became my personality. Fast forward to present day – the challenge for me is to unlearn these dysfunctional traits, rewire my thought patterns, and relearn that it is not selfish to ask for what I want.

This will be a long tedious road and I can honestly say although it will be a tough one. Especially sitting in, sitting with, and acknowledging my emotions (ugh gross) until I kick my neurons into understanding that it is ok to verbalise my plethora of questions with an answer that I actually want. Self-compassion and having grace for myself is crucial for growth. I am excited about building a neat little birdhouse so the vultures can finally cease circling and come down to roost.

I am a me first and remembering the other roles are not my entire identity but rather my markers of a successful life.