the happy cactus

Taking out the trash each night has become a routine; both autonomous and mindless. No thought required to step through each process of opening cupboard, tying off the bag, grabbing said knot, gently heaving upwards so the thin black veneer of plastic isn’t overstretched and puncture etc etc. Routine provides such autonomy that one does not need to exert any mental processes or procedures, it has become muscle memory. Of late, certain situations in life have left me pondering/questioning life through the eyes of the used black bin liner. The one that is replaced each night. The one that will be gently removed and discarded. The one that has fulfilled its life purpose. Sounds lame but hear me out.

Each bin liner is created via a production line, the final product wrapped and shipped out to be placed on the supermarket shelves ready for sale. Each roll contains maybe 25 liners, all eager to please and see out their days guzzling garbage and mastering mess. When the bin is full, it is hoisted out and placed into the outside wheelie bin. A fresh new liner is then unfurled and placed into the container, ready to fulfil its role and responsibility. Does the discarded bin liner, upon fulfilling its duty and purpose, have secret remorse for the short amount of time it was utilised? Does it pine to be remembered even though it was for a fleeting time? Does it minimise its sense of meaning and doubt its function? I am sure satisfaction would be the key feeling knowing that it has completed the reason for its creation. This leads me to think about us as we age. Are we satisfied with our journey thus far? Have we indeed maximised every single precious moment that we are graciously given to full capacity? If I am perfectly honest and frank with myself, the answer is no. I have squandered many a moment away. All too often we get caught up in the stress and busyness of our roles and responsibilities that when we finally do have a spare minute to just reflect we realise that, no, we haven’t embraced precious moments. This is my experience. This is me.

Somewhere between getting married, having children, raising children, juggling life, work, study, many a responsibility; life has been a muted blur. A fulfilling happy muted blur but a blur nonetheless. Within each juncture of motherhood – infant, toddler, preschool, middle childhood, adolescence, and adulthood – we try to immerse ourselves in each precious moment however, I know for me, I was always looking ahead to the next stage. For my firstborn child, I survived the colicky sleep-deprived whirlwind with shock and thoughts of ‘I just need to get to the sleeping through stage’ which then transformed into ‘I just need to get passed the teething stage’. Don’t get me wrong, if I think about each stage I was fully engaged and present but any mother knows that when your little one has been screaming blue murder from 2am until 5am, it is hard to enjoy that stage.

As I have aged, time has seemed to spin faster and faster and I can’t help but contemplate if I am truly living my best life (so cliché). Time is a precious commodity and one that humans can be complacent with. When you are a child time is your friend. Due to lack of responsibilities and adult stress (not all children fall into this category), play is what is most important and I know for me I really did soak up each moment of my childhood. Enter teenage years and we just longed for turning older to get a licence, vote, party and be taken seriously. For me the adulthood stage brought a realisation that time had just begun to speed up and a faint blur began to form around my memories. Each one seemed to fade into the other and was harder to decipher which was what and when. My twenties saw me having and raising my two darling babies and in my thirties, I timidly found my voice and began to say ‘no’ to things I did not find important; both with people and events. What a challenging yet liberating time that was! It was certainly not an easy one, and I still sometimes struggle with saying ‘no’ and crushing my ‘people-pleaser’ personality trait. My forties brought along a reflection stage albeit among my busy teaching career. This has led me to where I am now. Realising that what is the point of living and working towards retirement only to be an old person who is now meant to enjoy what I worked so hard and so long for. I know life is like that but with all that stress, all that responsibility, all that busyness of life, what is the point? My purpose is not to continue in a job that creates stress that creates sickness that creates mental health sickness thus rendering me down to an empty shell of my former self. Hence why I currently resonate with the bin liner. If I left my job, another person would take my position. We are all replaceable. We think we are the shit, but really, we are easily expendable. I know I am a capable, amazing teacher but at what cost to my health, both mental and physical?

If we are candid with ourselves, and really take a good hard look at our past journey, our present journey and where are future journey is taking us, I would prefer to sit this stress and busyness out. It is true that as we age we reflect on our life experiences that helped shape us, as well as those around us with their successes and mistakes to highlight the ‘do’s/don’ts’ of life. There are a million free resources out there to aide in our future choices that will build your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual knowledge up to make informed decisions.

Embracing life’s challenges, stresses, responsibilities with fresh eyes of compassion, thoughtfulness and gratitude has helped me greatly. Stepping back and exploring what my childhood traumas have taught me helps me sit in the uncomfortable emotions that it has produced. Changing my language choices (from but to and) to combine the grossness of the situation rather than minimising the outcome has altered my perspective and helped me heal. I want to be like the bin liner who strives to maximise each moment of his short life to fully embrace his purpose and his journey. Realising that life is short and we only have one now underpins everything I do each day. I will never have this moment again. I might have similar experiences but that moment in time is gone forever. Live each day to its fullest, milk each minute and bathe in the glorious warm sunshine of life.