the happy cactus

Taking a break from work has been cathartic, awakening and soul nourishing. I’ve been working since I was fifteen which amounts to thirty-five years of non-stop. That is a lot of constant busyness, constant moving and constant ‘on’. During this rest, I have really found it challenging, particularly with my brain functioning with normal stuff. Some ‘side-effects’ if one can use this in a positive connotation, is disorganised thinking or scattered thoughts. I do admit that while working/raising kids/studying I did have a purpose and a goal. My brain relied on a schedule, time sensitivity and a to-do list; now that time is my best friend, I find it a little daunting. And by daunting I don’t mean overwhelmed with so much time I am standing in one spot unable to choose what to do first, rather I infer to recalling a conversation, an event, or even having  to explain myself (separate to my adhd). Disorganised trains of thought have been flung around my head, derailed and aimlessly floating until I perhaps think about it again; which most of the time I don’t. During my first couple of weeks away from work, I felt at peace and was nourishing my soul with sunshine, pottering around the house, cooking etc. The feeling of being freed from an institution that has been forged upon routine, time constraints, a bell, and a ridiculous workload, has been overwhelmingly intense to say the least. At first, it did have a sense of extended holiday sprinkled with some emotions of sadness, grief and complete exhaustion. However, as time has ploughed on, different thoughts and feelings have surfaced in a more profound way, hence the disorganised thought process and scattered brain. I feel I am suspended in time, almost viewing my life from outside a looking glass.

I have taken time to read loads of inspirational books, self-help books, biographies and some fictional fantasy romance books (no-judgement please). Within these pages (the self-help ones in particular) is the essence of stress being the root cause of my health concerns and lower mental fitness abilities. Like many of us, 2020 was an anomaly; a glitch in the matrix; a malfunction in our history which resulted in a year of being unable to articulate exactly what we all felt and experienced. I know for me and my house, it was our darkest year to date. That being said, there were so many factors that triggered a full body response that had resulted in my slow decline. My basket became way too heavy, way too full and way too much to carry any longer. I was breaking apart emotionally, mentally and then physically. I could no longer patch up the holes that continued to grow in size with each month. Things began to fall through the ever expanding cracks. Something had to give. Acknowledging that to myself was gut-wrenching. Admitting that out loud to my husband has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. Ever. I remember the flippant conversation I had with him whilst at dinner. It just rolled off my tongue and as we continued to explore it, I felt a panic rise up inside my chest. This panic encompassed numerous thoughts; I’m letting my husband down, people at work will be disappointed, you are a weak person so just push through. Then the flood gates opened when I realised I could not take back what I said. It was out in the universe and I was exposed and vulnerable. Ugh, what a gross feeling. Resultantly, I spent the following two days weeping uncontrollably. The lovely doctor suggested I take some time off from work and rest because I was at my limit. Apparently it is ok to say that you are at your limit. Go figure…

For so long I had been like Dory and ‘just kept swimming’ because that’s how I was raised. Got an issue, here’s a tissue! Now pull up your boot straps and keep walking, keep on keeping on. Swallow down what is eating you and ignore it. It will eventually go away, either that or you will learn to live with it. However, my entire body, mind and soul was fatigued and they all conspired together and began a revolt and soon enough there was an uprising taking place. Bone tired and soul weary. A sense of weighted heaviness engulfed my life and although I kept a happy front, it started to gnaw away at my happiness. My body began to entertain lethargy, apathy and menopause symptoms. You see, if you do not deal with stress, any type of stress, then it seeps into your inner being and causes numerous problems and concerns. It started with adrenal fatigue which manifested into consistent sleepless nights, which then morphed into nightly sweats hence resulting in early menopause. Yay me! What I had on my plate had not been digested properly and consequently thrust me headlong into menopause way too early. Holding onto my unprocessed stress, which I didn’t realise I carried inside myself, lead me down an unknowing path of internal destruction. I knew on some level I was struggling but chose not to listen to my intuition or my gut feeling for fear of being perceived as incompetent, weak or soft. My mother was a beacon of strength and hence so was I.

Fast forward seven years and I have finally listened to my inner self. My inner small voice that had been slowly getting louder and more obnoxiously rude finally got a seat at the table and grabbed my attention. I stopped and listened to what it was telling me. Finally. There is power in taking time to stop and really hear what your body, mind and soul are saying to you. I know for me, I knew the importance of rest but didn’t really grasp the concept of ‘knowing-knowing’. Until now. There is no use in being upset with myself for my incompetence with how I managed my situation, or lack of management should I say. It is what it is and I was not in a place to really listen or accept my current position. Rather than be mad I choose to be kind instead. When you are in denial nothing anyone can say matters. I am grateful for eventually hearing the small voice, even though by the time I decided to give it consideration, it was screaming at me.

My choices now encompass giving myself grace to work through the disorganisation and brain chaos. To be kind to my body, mind and soul because we have been through a lot! I have carried too much for too long and no wonder I am exhausted and burnt out. There is power in admitting you need help and even as I type this, I do feel I am still learning to be ok with it. We are our own harshest critic, our own mean judge, juror and executioner. Why is it that we can give out the best advice to our friends, but balk at the idea of taking our own medicine? Changing our perception of who we are as individuals is a daunting, slow process filled with two steps forward and three steps back.

Life is a learning journey and we must be gentle, kind and loving to the person who matters most to us – ourselves. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Stop and listen to the words your small voice is whispering to you, process and deal with your stress, incorporate rest in your routine, and breathe. Life is limited.

For more information on mental exhaustion, follow the link for an explanation of what it is and some ways to manage it: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/mental-exhaustion