the happy cactus

Of late, I have been analysing and scrutinising my life thus far. Dissecting moments and events that were painted with the brush strokes of sadness, loss and despair. Certain events in my life that were tarnished and tainted by death or destruction have always been pushed down deep because that was how it was presented to me by my dad. In the late 70’s and early 80’s, people in my family were not sharers about their problems or issues; they just soldiered on, sucked it up, pretended it didn’t happen and, when friends asked if we were ok, a hard lined response that encapsulated a solid yep, “I’m good” ensued thus shutting down any further questions or inquiries. This was the way. Dirty laundry was certainly not ever aired. A major factor was most of the societal norms at the time did not deem it appropriate to investigate any deeper. Hence why I come from a long line of ‘bottlers’. Hold in your emotions, put on a smile and keep on moving forward. No time to stop and analyse your baggage because nobody wants to embarrass you by telling you to repack that shit up and please, for the love of all things green, keep it zipped tight. So began my journey into this world with a firm family philosophy of ‘your baggage isn’t to be shared’.

As I age, and revisit many of my ancestral belief systems, I have come to question the why. Why is it that things were not spoken about? Why was it considered inappropriate to talk about our feelings, emotions and how we are affected by certain moments in time. I do understand that during that era it wasn’t considered socially acceptable to do so. People were perceived to be the Aussie battler – down on their luck but showing their resilience and ability to keep on keeping on. In all honesty, this was how it was for most people of that time. To share your struggles is seen to be weak, or burdensome and don’t we all have enough on our plate? How can I expect to help you when I myself am struggling silently? I recognise now that this mentality is extremely flawed! It is not a healthy attitude and it is certainly not an environment to raise well-rounded, mentally stable children. I am that child who was soaked in this social dysfunction thus dragging these ridiculous convictions into my life which consequently drove me to carry on this mentality of ‘I don’t need help, I’m all good mate’. The silent struggle is what leads to stress which causes sickness which leads to depression and anxiety. The isolating loneliness of thinking it is just you and you are the problem because you can’t carry it any longer. The burden of outwardly being ok and everything is fine completely baffles me! God created us for connection and sharing our lives. I believe the old saying ‘it takes a village’ is not definitively about raising children. I wholeheartedly believe it is to support one another through the rough and tough times, to celebrate the wins, and to be sounding boards for each other; to let them know they are not alone in their sufferings.

My family’s mantra of yeah nah I’m ok was worn like a badge of honour and heaven forbid you didn’t get your badge to openly show others, that you too, were part of the Aussie battler club. We were born alone and we will die alone. I call fooey!! We were not born alone. We were birthed from our mothers, after being carried for nine months and sure, we exited the womb alone, but we had entered the world with our mother’s being present (and family members and medical staff; my experience I am speaking about). To hold this belief that we drag our baggage around but pretend it isn’t heavy or that we don’t even have any is just a load of tripe. All the while pretending not to notice other people also dragging around their own heavy laden suitcases and not acknowledge that we are all struggling is diabolical. This line of thinking is irrefutably flawed and nonsensical. We were not created to be lone wolves forever damned to roam the earth alone. Humans are social creatures and are meant to connect to others, to share the burden, to say ‘I see you and you are not alone my friend’.

I would love to go back in time and to ask my elders why was any personal struggle/s such a big deal to keep to yourself? What was the key driver that prevented you from sharing your burdens? Shame? Fear? Scared of being vulnerable? Inadequacy? Because I know that before I embarked on my therapist journey, I struggled with all these feelings, thoughts and emotions. I was so terrified of letting anyone in that I just did not process events and moments that were impactful. Even after 31 years being married to my husband, I still struggle opening up and being vulnerable. The deep shame that is embedded within every fibre of my being surfaces each time I have any personal talks with my husband. I have learnt to push through and have strategies when discussing said topics. I always feel the dread sink heavily into the pit of my stomach where it slowly grows thicker and wider and the taste of uncomfortableness begins to etch its way up into the back of my throat. That is what a family history of ‘suck it up buttercup’ mentality has gotten me. Hide your baggage and act normal.

As a mum, we apparently are able to have it all, do it all and be it all. Working full-time, being a mum, a goddess in the bedroom all while running a household that is spick and span. What a load of hogwash!! Who made that crap up? For reals though…who? For way too long I juggled it all, not well, but still I managed to keep all my plates spinning according to where I was in life. I recently read that the saying ‘women can have it all’ and I thought that is total poppycock! No wonder I was left feeling inadequate and wondered why my baggage began to multiply and become super heavy. When I did share a minimal aspect of my struggle with a complete stranger, I felt I betrayed myself by openly admitting life wasn’t all sunshine and flowers. The deep sense of betrayal held heavy in the air and I felt ashamed that I was not spinning all my plates in the air. When I began therapy, this was a hard area to shed light on. See, I held my beliefs for so long that if we struggle, then God hasn’t blessed us or I haven’t done enough to be happy therefore I am struggling because I haven’t outworked my gifts enough. God however, is not a works-based God; He is a grace filled God. It rains on the just and the unjust. We are not meant to have a struggle free life or be problem free. If there is one thing that I have learned it is that life is full suffering and full of good times. Without any suffering or troubles or problems, then we aren’t living.

Every single person has baggage, has struggles and has their own plates to keep spinning. We need to share how we are sometimes struggling to our family and friends. Open up that communication line and find ways to support each other rather than keeping things to yourself while silently suffocating. It is ok not to cope with what is on your plate. It is ok that your baggage is too heavy to carry. It is more than ok to open up and share how you are feeling. I believe it is high time to break those ancient belief systems of silent struggling. If you can start with just one person you can share one thing with, then that is growth. No matter the uncomfortableness or the unease or the gross feeling of being vulnerable; naked before your friend, share one thing. I suggest that sending a text, or a voice message or even a short video to get it off your chest. There have been many times I have shared via text and followed it up by ‘you don’t need to call, I just wanted to share and have someone witness my emotions’. If you feel like you can unzip your baggage without causing yourself too much stress, then I would do it. It is far better to share your story than it is to hold it in and carry that stress around.

It will inevitably make you sick.