the happy cactus

In 1989, there was this song by Johnny Diesel and The Injectors called Crying Shame. It’s a catchy tune sung with a twangy throaty Aussie drawl coupled with simple lyrics and a repetitive chorus. The song depicts how he struggles with a mistake that only he can blame himself for. No one else to blame, just him. The entirety of the song underpins the problem being solely yours and yours alone. I can see what Johnny means and can, to some point, agree. Yes it was something he chose to do but, and there is a big weighted but, what drove him to make said mistake and therefore have such deep shame that keeps him up all night in anxious sweats and a cycle of rumination. Unless you are a psychopath, most people display humane traits such as appropriate communication and confrontation skills. I say most people because there are quite a few who are so dysfunctional and ill-equipped to deal with the bare minimum of responding in a respectful manner. This baffles my brain!

Our actions are ours alone however what forced the songwriters hand to do what he did? What circumstances were created between him and his partner to act out that way he did. I am not saying that he is blameless; I am saying what environment caused him to feel like he had no other choice? The songwriter is shrouded in shame and the effects are palpable and pull heavily on my heart strings.

How often in our life do we feel shame about what something we said, something we did or something we thought? For me, loads of times. Shame and guilt, I thought, went together and were actually the same thing. Brene Brown is a perceived expert on shame and guilt and through her extensive research has discovered a profound differentiation between the two. She explains that guilt is adaptive and helpful e.g. feeling psychological discomfort and holding something we have done or failed to do up against our values. In contrast, shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging e.g. something we have experienced, done or failed to do which makes us unworthy of connection and love.

Shame surrounds you when you feel like you cannot share with someone about your struggles with your partner, your children, or to voice them aloud to yourself. It feels like you are a flawed person, defected, lacking in some way, perhaps inferior to others. You should be able to cope with what you have on your plate so you feel shame when you don’t. You should have a good relationship with your partner and you feel shame when they speak to you inappropriately or emotionally/psychologically mistreat you. The environment you have at home with your partner could be volatile and rife with nit-picking and hypercritical comments and actions, but you carry this inwardly while outwardly reflecting a partnership full of happiness and contentment. You bury this deep down and start to think that this is normal, other relationships must be the same, it must be you, it’s your fault, you minimise your partners dysfunctional behaviour and really, it isn’t actually that bad. You brought this on yourself. Hogwash!! Poppycock!! Rubbish!! This is bullshite my friend.

After years of accepting the behaviours that are not conducive to your relationship, you reach a point of ‘normalcy’, you just become comfortable with it; desensitised and numb. This has happened numerous times with so many different people in the various circles of my life. It becomes normal to just accept behaviours that make us uncomfortable, disconnected, justifying that if we say something we will ruin the relationship and end up alone. When their dysfunctional behaviours goes against our core values and ethics it affects our entire being. Too many times I have had conversations that start with ‘I am so unhappy, I feel mentally/emotionally exhausted and disconnected to my partner’. We make exceptions and excuses that extend the suffering instead of realising that we can make changes and no longer put up with it. I’m not saying that everyone that feels this way can easily change because there are circumstances such as domestic abuse and children involved. I am speaking from my friends and family’s circumstances that we less complicated. It took me until earlier this year to realise that I can in fact change my outcomes; I am not stuck in my career and no one is making me feel trapped there except myself. So I changed. I charted a new course, albeit a bumpy one so far. I’m not saying it was easy and I wrestled with the idea for years before taking the smallest of steps. It then took me a further couple of months to process and unpack why I got to this point in the first place. It was dirty, messy, shameful, ugly and I felt so empty and lost. But it was worth it. Without suffering we do not grow resilience.

When you are trapped in a relationship that is not what you thought it would be and you feel you cannot share with anyone what it truly looks like, that is an astronomically heavy load to carry alone. You are encompassed with thoughts that it is you making a bigger deal of it than it should be. When did this dysfunction begin? Was it the first time your partner spoke to you inappropriately? When they snapped at you seemingly out of character? When did you realise this was actually part of their personality and it was beginning to be your norm? When did you let things slide because they are stressed or upset at work? It slowly creeps in like an ocean fog and before we know it, this is your life layered thickly with an immoveable fog. You then begin to make excuses for the behavioural outbursts; you help them regulate because they don’t have self-regulation. And when you attempt to have a conversation about it, you are met with resistance, swearing, stonewalling, and ‘you always’ remarks. No wonder we end up shutting down and hiding your shame between the loneliness and disappointment. I feel deeply sad for those of you who have lived this constantly and have been too ashamed to share that your partner is dysfunctional and has poor behaviours. I see you. I hear you. I feel for you.

For my friends and family who have been able to finally make a choice that enough is enough and realise that you are your first priority; you are so brave and courageous. It is disgustingly hard and extremely uncomfortable to step up and say no more. You are my heroes. You are what makes the world a better place.

Unfortunately, not everyone is raised in a functioning household with emotionally intelligent, emotionally consistent and self-aware parents. Parents that, when you were little, help regulate your emotions, then teach/model self-regulation, model what connection and safe environments look like, teach/model communication and confrontation skills. These are the foundation to basic humanity and are the bare minimum expectations in a relationship. Dysfunctional people drag their poor behaviours from their childhood into adult relationships and that impacts their partnership. Majority of the time they are not self-aware and refuse to acknowledge they need help to unpack their childhood and bad behaviours. Disappointingly, there is still a big stigma surrounding men’s mental health and getting help. Usually the partner will shut down the notion of seeking help which then in turn leads to the same behaviours that continue. I want you to know that this is no excuse for how they treat you.

Emotional and psychological abuse is not outwardly visible like physical abuse however it is, in my opinion, more damaging as it alters how you see yourself, how you talk to yourself and how you live in a constant state of ‘reading the room’ to cater for the reactions of your partner. It is extremely isolating not to mention how exhausting it is to be in a consistent state of fight or flight as well as damaging it is for your body to hold that much stress and trauma.

If you are in this situation, there are numerous resources online that you can access to help you through. I want you to understand that you are not the only one moving to the couple dance. It takes two. Shame is heavy to hold and hard to process through; journaling is a good way to release your inner thoughts, emotions, heartbreaks etc. Somatic dancing and movement is fabulous in releasing your body’s trauma and stored emotions. There are also free phone or online counselling services you can access anonymously.

You’ve got this!

Big love x