the happy cactus

Mate. Lemme tell you that lately my inner critic has been so nasty, unsupportive and downright negative. Constantly shovelling verbal abuse down my throat with each waking moment and at times, during the night when I get up to pee. Silent images and thoughts that continue to barrage my subconscious into submission has been exhausting and depressing. When I say silent, I mean outwardly you would never suspect that I am fighting a screaming mean banshee who is hellbent on my demise. At times, that’s all I can focus on and it is hard to see a positive outcome when you are bombarded with your inner critic on stuck on repeat. And when it is said in your own voice, it becomes hard to distinguish what is truth and what is a lie.

Our brains can talk so much shit and trick us into thinking, doing, believing a variety of different things. One time I was hiking with my husband and it was a tricky part of the steep incline across some rocks. Down below was a straight shoot to death if I missed a step. Now, there were children young as 5 and 6 who were also trekking up this mountainous beauty. Several passed me and I was ok with that. I reached a point however when my dear brain seized up and yelled ‘oh dang woman, you are going to slip and fall!’ At that exact moment, I froze and had convinced myself I was about to die. I was legit stuck in a state of complete and utter fear that my body responded to by screaming ‘if you move, you will fall’. My husband was ahead of me and I said I couldn’t move, and bless his little heart, he came to help but even the offer of help was so scary because he might accidently let go and I would die. How did it come to this? Why did my body suddenly say ‘yeah babe, we about to die’. Ultimately, I was frozen for about 6 minutes and it took all my strength to talk myself out of my so-called near death experience. I rationalised that if these little children can do it unassisted then I’m a grown ass woman who can do it to. When I was able to restructure my thinking pattern, I was able to move. My dear brain was dead set on convincing me of upcoming death that I couldn’t see clearly that I was in fact, not in danger at all. I was a little embarrassed at the time to walk passed that exact point when we descended the mountain and I did think ‘what was the fuss all about?’

This experience was a moment I would never forget. A moment where my irrational brain overtook my rational normal brain and morphed it into a really big situation that was actually not even something to worry about. Why is it then when our normal brain can be our best friend and help us when things are smooth and as soon as any perceived negative situation and suddenly she shits herself? I guess as soon as I felt a tiny bit scared, I over analysed what could have happened and then my brain ran with a narrative that I was about to die. Like hearing part of a conversation and then filling in the rest with your own summations and guesses.

My brain needs a good name when she is like that. Something that elicits gossip, hearsay and rumourmongering. So in honour of her showcasing all these ridiculous personality traits, I shall name her Phyllis. When this occurs I think if I can call Phyllis out on her crap, then this will be easier to see through her lies and deceit. I guess if I can give her a personality and a vague outline of her face then this will distinguish when she is being nasty. Phyllis will be gracing me with her presence as soon as I hit post on this blog I’m sure. Telling me all the reasons why blogging is useless and nobody reads it and why would you waste time doing it. What Phyllis doesn’t know is that I am writing purely for myself. Nobody else. Just me. It is cathartic to purge out what swims around my soul and plagues me with rumination. Even when nobody reads it. Especially because nobody reads it. It’s like my personal secret that allows me to have something all to myself even though I share it with the world. Phyllis can suck it. She won’t win today.

Big love x