the happy cactus

When my kids were little, they were obsessed with their Tamagotchi. They loved the fact they had to care for, feed, change and nap a digital entity or it would die. So much so that whilst I was attending university, I had to take them during the day while they were at school, and look after them. I usually forgot how to turn them on silent so the Tamagotchi would consistently beep when it required attention. I would furiously pull both of them out and try to feed/change/give attention to in order to make them cease their shrill digital screams. Not always an easy feat. And somewhat embarrassing when the lecturer would give me the hairy eyeball. As they grew up, the Tamagotchi phased out and soon they were forgotten.

Some times in life, especially mothers – particularly mothers –  can feel we have been phased out, placed into the cupboard like an old worn out toy, discarded from use and no longer seen as useful. Which in all honesty, seems like it happens so quickly, so suddenly that we are left reeling when we realise what has occurred. Sure it’s a natural progression that our darling babies grow into mature, self-sufficient adults who are released into the wide wonderful world to adult by themselves; but that doesn’t detract from how hard it is to let them go. When you have been close to your babies and they used to view you as their hero, their one and only, their almost idol, it is all the more terrible when the day arrives that they see you as clingy, or they suddenly have a significant other they call before you to tell you about their day. It’s gut-wrenching when you are seemingly left alone when they go to bed and don’t bother to say a simple goodnight like they used to because they are too caught up in their new person. It is hard, I’m not gonna lie.

Motherhood is spent putting them first, their needs and wants, their every whim. You bend over backwards to accommodate them, nurse them through sickness, ills and pains; not just in childhood but when they are teenagers and young adults. And that’s what we sign up for. They didn’t ask to be born and that’s doing the bare minimum. Now I know that as part of parenting, you would die for your kids. I guess the challenging part is when they are finding themselves and trying to see how they fit into the world as young adults, you are pushed aside and your entire substance is discarded. If they need you they will ask. They become irritated with you for asking if they are ok, they get frustrated when you reach out and ask how their day was, and they just shut you out.

Parenting is a bloody hard job. You are raising kids from your own childhood experience and you always try to not be your dysfunctional parents, and you model your own parenting on people you think have it altogether. You are really just fumbling your way through and currently, I am finding it difficult being left in the cupboard like a Tamagotchi. Every now and then you are pulled out and rummaged through then placed back. And like the Tamagotchi, I have become ‘a faded memory’.

I will say that this era of my life is a complex one. Anxiety is always underlining my day and is exacerbated when you don’t know what mood your kids will be in. You spend most of your time ‘reading the room’, trying not to over step any boundary, then being told your distant and why are you being so emotional. Like I said, parenting is hard. Too many steps to the left and your meddling, too many paces to the right and your distant and what’s wrong now mum… Then you add into the mix your kids partners and you try to accommodate and accept them and still, you are ‘overstepping boundaries’ by asking too many questions, talking an inappropriate amount at any given time, why don’t you like my gf/bf, don’t talk about this, don’t talk about that because they don’t like it. You want to ask them clearly what they want you to be because it gets exhausting trying to navigate what you are/are not allowed to do.

Add a good old dose of menopause to the mix and this becomes even more difficult trying to juggle hormone replacement, exercise, eating right, having enough sex to keep your partner interested and happy, working full time and then maintaining the household all while pleasing others with your attitude and happiness. Never mind anyone dare ask how you are with all the changes and new information. Some days you just question it all. Some days I wonder if I just didn’t bother to come home, how long it would take before the kids realised that I wasn’t taking up so much space. Some days you just exist in a vacuum of nothingness with anxiety being your only comfort.

Life is hard. Raising kids is hard. Parenting is supposed to get easier as the kids get older and I believe that’s somewhat of a big fat lie. I call bullshit.

I know what I am walking right now is not even a blip on the world’s doom and gloom radar, but in my own world; it is big and it is depressing and it is overwhelmingly heartbreaking. I am a stranger in my own home. I look in the mirror and don’t recognise the person looking back.

I am being kind and taking it all in my stride, but I want it to go back to how it was when I was loved madly, truly and deeply by my babies.

When all I did in their eyes was right and good.