the happy cactus

Sometimes life is so unexplainably and undeniably beautiful. Sometimes it is unfathomably bleak and grey. And sometimes it can be both gloriously colourful with some edges of desolation. Accepting the ever-changing façade of life and all its pretences can be a tricky path to navigate and not always what we imagine that our world would look like.

As a child, you dream of the future you living out all the things you endeavour to do as a little person. You wholly and solely believe that this will be your life, without any doubts or fears. Little me wanted to be so many things, do many things, have so many things, and of course, have many children. This future fantasy was all dreamed through the eyes of a child of course, without any inkling that as an adult, you have so many differing hats, responsibilities, and societal expectations and rules to conform to/by. When you are a child, you simply do not have the knowledge and understanding or critical thinking to grasp that it could possibly be any other way. Why would you?

Children are so egocentric, and their entire world revolves around them and their needs, wants, and myopic thinking – they are, by design, created to see themselves as THE most important concept. They live unabashedly and completely true to their core. We eventually learn the world is bigger than us as we age into adolescence and teenagerhood and we quickly lose that sense of self-assuredness. This was my experience. My bubble didn’t just slowly become smaller over time. It was annihilated in the space of eight hours, and I was thrust headlong into a blinding reality before I could even decompress what had even happened. I know that there are millions of others who have their own worlds crushed earlier than me, or millions of others who were born into death and despair. My heart aches for you all and I wish I could make it all change. I see you, I hear you, I feel you.

Growth for me has been slow and steady – think of that tortoise that raced the hare…well it has lapped me several times. And there have been several people in my life who have been placed here as an example of the ‘what and what not to do’ in my life and relationships. You are my exemplars; both the good and the bad.

Of late, I have thought about if I was given a one chance to go back to younger me and impart some advice, what would that look like? There are so many challenging moments that have literally reduced me down to my knees, bawling for direction, blanketed with a suffocating heavy sense of loss and complete and utter despair. Moments where I thought this was it, this is how it will be for the next 50-60 years. I guess any one of these moments I would revisit and remind my younger self that this is merely situational, and although life will not return to ‘my normal’, my normal will be altered, and it will eventually morph into something beautiful again. Altered normal, but beautiful nonetheless. I often look back during the tumultuous storms and have such compassion on younger me.

If only she could see the current version of her, she would not lose hope as easily or as often.

I firmly believe that growth, at any age, is what slowly sculpts us to transform into softer, more balanced, more compassionate, and more kind human beings. For without these qualities, what are we? What is our purpose? Where is our sense of community?

I would like to acknowledge that expanding your sense of self can be a challenge, particularly when you have a fixed mindset and have limited understanding of your self-awareness. These traits are hard to manipulate into a growth mindset but not impossible. You just have to work a lot harder, be more open to feedback and stay committed to maintenance. Which is easier said than done! Sometimes the fixed mindset can be bathed in rigidity due to early experiences, lack of human connection or perhaps a diagnosis of some form (all my own opinions of course). Is it purely nature verses nurture? Or is it in our DNA to have more growth than fixed genes? Life’s moments do play a significant role – from my own experience in particular.

One family member of ours is so bloody rigid and fixed due to ageing this way and being allowed to display behaviours that were just classed as ‘his normal’ or ‘that’s just him’. It vexes me so deeply and I have to consciously dig deep for compassion and understanding around why he is that way and that is his personality. Mostly, it is a choice because he believes he does not need to change, he was born this way, and you can accept me how I am. There was a time where he became a little more malleable due to his marriage busting up, however, he wholly and solely believes that he was wronged and had no part in the relationship break-down, which ended in a messy divorce.

Yeah nah mate…you helped shit the bed and then acted like it was all her. No ownership has been taken on his part. He is her origin story, and nobody can tell me different. Since then, he has remarried and for the smallest time of their new courtship, he projected this fake personality that honey-dicked everyone to believe he had become a new man (except me…leopard doesn’t change his spots and all that). Lies! Big fat lies!!! He wooed her with false pretences and promises, and now six months into their fresh vows, he has almost overnight reverted to his old ways – fixed mindset and ‘she knew what she married’ attitude. Unable to even think that he might have to soften his stank ass behaviours. Pppfffhhhhhhh… lame as!

Don’t get me wrong please, he is a nice guy, but he just REFUSES to change anything at all! And he doesn’t think he should. So now his beautiful wife who has gone from her first marriage of complete emotional abuse, dysfunction and rejection into a new relationship that is, on many levels, way better however, still emotionally abusive on many level. She yeeted out of that dastardly hot oven and landed into a shallow fry pan on low heat. Yet another death albeit a slow one. His own truth is skewed and because he does not have the skillset or ability to communicate without shame and stonewalling, nothing will change. His mindset is rigid, inflexible and immovable. For me, his entire personality and way of life is propelling me into being more self-aware and learning to continually developing myself and my relationships. He is my example of what not to be – sounds so judgemental but everyone needs a baseline on where to grow from. I really think that some certain people are put here to be an example of what not to do.

I am sure the younger version of him did not have hopes and dreams of being this way, and I am sorry for what he went through, but without the growth mindset and ability to self-reflect and develop, change cannot occur. He is not open to it. Which makes me sad more than anything. I wonder if he had the chance to go back to his younger self, what would he say? Would he drop some pearls of wisdom that would encourage his growth mindset more than his fixed one? Could his current self be able to go to a time where he would listen? The optimistic me says yes yes, of course. Reality me, no. Because he has not ever been a growth mindset person for the last 39 years that I have known him. Perhaps if he visits a moment in his early childhood, it would be received more openly and freely.

Always do better. Always be better. You firstly owe it to yourself, but also to those in your circle – your family, your friends, and your community. Evolve, develop and grow.

You are not a tree so if you are unhappy or need to change, move.

No excuse.