the happy cactus

Where and how do I begin to express where/what/how/who I have become.

I have journeyed on a long, tedious expedition these last two years.

I took a sabbatical from teaching due to suffering from severe burnout and the health effects that come with it. I spent term 2, 3 and part of 4 recovering in my own time and my own pace.

What did that look like? Daily journaling, ice baths, reading, laying the sun in my back yard, somatic dancing, stretching, walking on the beach, staying down the coast with my brother, and rested. I took a deep dive into myself and I consumed self-help books, learned as much as I could about trauma, how the body processes it and the effects of when we don’t.

I loved on myself. I learned how to stop and be still even when my body was screaming to be doing something. I cried. Oh how I cried and cried. I felt I had rivers of grief, exhaustion, disappointment and a deep sadness that covered me in a filmy skin and had to come out. It was uncomfortable, hard, unnerving, unsettling and plain yucky. To stop and unwrap your life is never easy. Breaking it down layer by layer. The build-up of emotions that I had suppressed had slowly awakened and the monster was desperately yelling to be freed and listened to.

I had so much contemplation about my childhood and my coping mechanisms as unhealthy as they were and hard to change. I was adamant I needed to change or become stuck. Being stuck was more terrifying that facing my demons head on. I cannot express to you how uncomfortable it was to deconstruct my insecurities, coping strategies, my attitudes and actions, and how I got to be here. And how me, as a person, have affected how I raised my children. Oofff. That hurts to know my belief system and parenting style has impacted my children. Taking accountability is hard. Owning your mistakes and downfalls is something a lot of parents don’t do. My parents especially.

By doing a lot of talk therapy, somatic dancing, crying, reflective practice journaling, exercise and eating the right foods, I was slowly healing myself. Not to say I am fully there; because are we as humans ever fully healed and whole?

I returned to teaching as a relief/supply teacher and it took me a while to hear my body repeating ‘this is not where you are supposed to be’. I spent part of term 4 2023 and all of 2024 working as a relief/supply teacher with a detachment that I felt I was ok with. Late November, after yet another class brawl in year one, my body went into flight mode. I left the room and couldn’t stop crying. My body screamed ‘enough is enough’. I finished the year out and began looking for an admin role which has been an ordeal!

I started 2025 with taking on a one day a week contract until I could secure a gov job. By the second week I was desperate to leave; lack of sleep each night, stress about the future and where I would be, kept me awake.  

I feel I underwent a metamorphosis over the last two years and was waiting for my new wings to stretch up and outwards into a new career. I could sense the change. A very tangible taste of closing one chapter to open the next but it was taking so long. Finally, God came through! Within two days I had suddenly been offered an admin position so I hastily said yes!

I start the job soon and I know it is WAY less money and longer hours however, my body is happy and that is most important. I spent the two years wisely investing in my health, gaining knowledge about unpacking trauma, and finding peace going through menopause. I found myself in my cocoon and I am so content and happy to love myself for the first time in my life. Yes, it is constant work to stay kind and true to yourself, but once you get there, there is no better place to be!

Kat x